Quotes and One-Liners 
 
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'. — Steven Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? — Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. – Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'. — Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. — Steven Wright

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. — Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age? — Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. — Steven Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do? — Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. — Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious. — Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. – Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. — Steven Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. — Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. — Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'... — Steven Wright

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'. — Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. — Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.— Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'. — Steven Wright

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'. — Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? — Steven Wright

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! — Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? — Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. — Steven Wright

In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "OK, then forget it". — Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'. — Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. — Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. — Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. — Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. — Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.' — Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. — Steven Wright

Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ... – Steven Wright

On the other hand... You have different fingers. — Steven Wright

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. — Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. — Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. — Steven Wright

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. – Steven Wright

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. — Steven Wright

The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go. — Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. — Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. — Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' — Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' — Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?' — Steven Wright

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny. — Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. — Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? — Steven Wright


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