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Lawyer Joke Query Response
| "A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." --Benjamin Franklin. "During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?" "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer."
"Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they screw everything up." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
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True Courtroom Dialog: A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for is funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea. Go and bury 20 more of them." A criminal defendant, acting as his own counsel, was frequently reprimanded by the judge for badgering the witness. Finally this self-attorney closed with one last question, "You really don't like the defendant, do you?" The witness sat back in his chair for a moment or two, then leaned into the microphone. "I really don't know anything about the defendant," he said. "But I have taken a strong dislike to his attorney." A doctor dies and goes to Hell. It is horrible. Burning fires, hot bubbling lava and pain! Serious pain! He looks over and sees a lawyer he knew making love to a beautiful woman. Non-stop, sweaty, constant, back-breaking sex. So the next time Satan is going by on an inspection tour, the doctor complained. "This really reeks! I have to suffer for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." The Devil replied, "Who do you think you are to question my punishment of that woman?" A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked. A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together ... he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner? A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well - only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant." A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honourable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favour of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. "But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"
Augustine's Laws Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. Changing lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.
Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? Did you hear that scientists have started using lawyers instead of rats for their testing? There's more of them, people don't get as attached to them, and there's just some things you can't get a rat to do!
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning? Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing. Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything. Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
How does an attorney sleep?
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
How was copper wire invented? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you only had time to save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper? If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them. If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt.
Lawyer: A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.
Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law. Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing. Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!
Lawyers: People whose profession it is to disguise matters.
Lawyers: The only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place." No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Submitted by Becky: A funeral was being held. A latecomer sidled in and sat down next to a man who happened to be an attorney. Hearing the minister start to talk about Jesus, the latecomer asked, "What stage are we in?" The lawyer answered, "He just opened for the defense." Submitted by Becky: A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Submitted by Becky: A lawyer goes to the doctor because he is not feeling well. After examining him, the physician says to the lawyer, "Before I tell you anything, I would like for you to be examined by my colleague in the next office, just to get a second opinion." The lawyer is introduced to the other doctor, then goes through another complete physical examination. When it is over, the physician tells him to sit in the waiting room until the first doctor calls him back into his office. A few minutes later he is brought in, and as the lawyer takes a seat across from the doctor's desk, he begins to feel a bit nervous. Both doctors are sitting there behind the desk, with very serious looks on their faces. The first doctor says to the lawyer, "My colleague and I have examined you and we have come to the same conclusion: You have a very rare and incurable disease. You will die in two weeks, and it will be a very slow and painful death." The other doctor suddenly turns toward the first doctor, looking very surprised. "Why did you tell him that?" "Well," replies the first doctor, "I felt that he had the right to know." "Yeah," whines the other doctor, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!" Submitted by Becky: A lawyer woke up one night and found his bedroom dusky with red light and foul with a sulfurous stench, and there at the foot of the bed was someone he recognized instantly as Satan. Satan smiled and said, "Mr Jones, if you wish, I will give you untold wealthy, all the women you want, together with fame and long life, how about it?" The lawyer's eyes narrowed, "What's the catch?" Satan said, "The catch is that in exchange for all of that, I will eventually have your immortal soul." The lawyer replied, "Come on. What's the real catch?" Submitted by Becky: A witness, small, uncertain, and nervous, was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes sir," said the witness in a low voice, "Once." "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness said meekly, "My sister did." Submitted by Becky: Did you hear about the lawyer who didn't like what the restaurant offered? He asked for a change of menu. Submitted by Becky: In the early days of Universal Pictures, Carl Laemmle had come through another round of litigation over patent infringement that was endemic to the industry. After the customary delays, the suit finally got to court in New York. Laemmle was on the West Coast, when he received a cable from his lawyer. It simply read: "JUSTICE HAS TRIUMPHED." The mogul immediately wired back: "APPEAL IMMEDIATELY." Submitted by Becky: Jane: My dad can do anything, he's a genius! Submitted by Becky: Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?" Submitted by Becky: My Uncle Joe was recently in need of legal advice. He called on the best local lawyer, who asked, "Do you have the cash to pay my fee?" "No," explained Uncle Joe. "But I have a brand new Lexxus you can have." "Well, that's fine. That will do. And what is the charge against you?" Uncle Joe replied, "Stealing a new Lexxus." Submitted by Becky: My uncle Joe was in court a few years ago, I forget what for this time. During the jury selection process, his lawyer leaned over and asked him if he wanted to challenge any of the jurors. Uncle Joe looked them over and said, "I think I could take that little guy on the end." Submitted by Becky: Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? Submitted by Becky: Some people think about sex all the time, some people think of sex some of the time, and some people never think about sex; they become lawyers. Submitted by Becky: The businessman stepped up to the first tee, took a mighty swing, and made a hole in one. "How wonderful," said his lawyer and playing partner. "Now I'll take my practice swing, and then we can start to play." Submitted by Becky: The convict was berating his attorney. "You're a rotten lawyer. All you did throughout the trial was to object. You objected at the wrong time." "I don't quite understand you," said the lawyer. "Explain yourself." "Well, when the judge spoke you objected. The opposing counselor spoke, you objected. When the jury found me guilty you kept your big mouth shut. That was the time to do all the objecting." Submitted by Becky: The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor," came the reply, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it." Submitted by Becky: The judge was very stern with the woman. "You are the wife of this man," he said severely. "You knew he was a burglar when you married him?" "Yes, I know" she replied. "But I wasn't getting any younger and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer." Submitted by Becky: The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. "When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law." "But, what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?" "In that case," said the professor, "hammer away on the table." Submitted by Becky: The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught." Submitted by Becky: Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system, bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent." "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average time by 20 percent." "That's nothing!" said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
Submitted by Psycho7: The years go by and they drift apart, and the man meets someone new and decides he wants a divorce, so he goes to God and tells Him. God just looks at him and says, "Last time it was a priest, which was hard enough. Now where do you think I'm going to find you a lawyer?" Submitted by Skye M. T.: What did the lawyer name his daughter? Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved. The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and most people don't understand that they're just jokes! There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge. There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys rifles were too far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!" Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. End of discussion.
What are lawyers good for?
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
What does molds, ooze, pond scum and lawyers have in common?
What does pond scum have more of than lawyers?
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
What is the definition of a shame (as in "gee, that's a shame")?
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
What's America's best chance to solve the trade deficit with Japan?
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
What's the difference between a divorce lawyer and a terrorist? What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they're boring.
What's the difference between lawyers and vampires?
What's the problem when a lawyer is buried up to his waist in sand?
Where can you find a good lawyer?
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet under?
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Why is it so hard to drown a lawyer?
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
You have a gun with only two bullets in it and you are in a room with Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy and a lawyer-- what do you do?
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